It’s two in the morning and I’m thinking about you. I’m not one to publicly post my feelings and not too many people know my thoughts about you, but tonight, I am free. I thought I owed you everything. I am young and I gave you my all. I gave you my heart and four years of my life. I stopped talking to you for two of those years, but even still, it felt like I had dedicated my life to you, but tonight, I am done. Not a day went by where I thought about you and wondered how you were for a while after you were gone. I started to drink, to actually get drunk when I know I disapproved of you even putting a single drop of alcohol against your lips. I started to smoke weed even though I always shot you a dirty look when you considered taking a hit and got mad at you for the one time you smoked a cigarette, though I still disapprove of that, yet I’ll still take a hit of hookah. For a while, I blamed you for every bad decision in my life after you left me. To this day, I am still unsure of your departure. Your excuse? “I don’t want to hold you back in college.” Bullshit. You should have just said it’s not me, it’s you, because quite frankly, I must have been doing something wrong. I don’t know what happened. I’ll admit I still miss you, but the old you because I don’t know you anymore. I don’t know if your favorite color is still blue, if your hair is as beautifully blonde and your eyes so shockingly blue as they were. I don’t know if you still want a giraffe named Joshua or to escape and be like Christopher McCandless. It’s sometimes hard to think that we no longer know each other… but I guess that happens as time passes without a word.
But lemme tell you something, it’s time. It’s time that I move on… I mean like really move on though. I met someone after you and it didn’t work out, but I can say I’m glad it didn’t work out. I fell really hard for him after some time. We were together on and off for a while but we agreed that our last “on” was our last forever. The thing is, I spent so much time trying to be something else. I tried being someone who wasn’t me because I didn’t want it to end the way it did with us. I became someone I didn’t like. I became someone who was really annoying. I drank a lot and cry about random shit to him. I didn’t take my relationship with him seriously; I did a lot more of pushing than pulling and am pretty sure I drove him mad. I tried too hard to keep him, but I didn’t try in the right way, I don’t think. I know I blamed you for a lot and I did blame you for “ruining” my life, but I know that’s not so true. I did it to myself. I thought about you too much and now I’m free.
I’ve realized it’s better to not wonder how you are. It’s better to not think about your family. It’s better to forgive than to forget and I’m not going to forgive you, but I am going to forgive myself. I’m going to forgive myself for thinking I deserved only you. I’m forgiving myself for thinking that you were the only one for me. You once told me you were scared because you loved me so much, but we were so young. You were scared that I might meet someone else and realize that there is much more out there than just us. And you were right. There are over 6 billion people on this planet and according to Facebook, I’ve only met 1,300 people significant to befriend on that lousy social media site. But yes, I’ve yet to meet everyone and am positive there are a million other better guys than you.
I know it’s hypocritical of me to be ranting about you and the past after saying I’m free, but let me tell you, it feels great. I’ve had so many different crazy emotions going on and bottled up inside. Not too many people will read this, but it feels awesome to let it out. I’ve had so much anger and sadness bottled up inside and I just need to make amends with myself and I’ve decided to finally do it. Every recent death makes me think of you. Two people who have had huge impacts on my life died in the last year and a half and it hurt so much and it doesn’t help that almost everything reminds me of them. (Sorry to blame you again, but) It felt like it hurt ten times worst because you weren’t here to hold me in your arms. You left me almost the same way they left me. Without a word. Without warning. You have no idea how much I miss them. Right now, I miss them way more than I miss you. I even missed three other peers who passed even though I hardly knew them. It felt like you took my strength away, but I’m taking it back.
You will no longer be apart of my life. I will no longer harbor guilt, anxiety, angry, sadness, or pain because of you. Like ice, you melted and evaporated and now that rain cloud is finally passing. Of course you’ll always mean more than you’ll ever know to me, but you will now be a memory, not my past, present, or future. Just a memory lost in time. You will no longer define who I am today.
Thank you for being what you were when we were together. Thank you for being my first everything. Thank you for letting me actually feel human for a while and probably for the first time in my life. Thank you because tonight, I am free.
the-badexample asked: Great blog, glad you followed me :) xo
Thanks, same goes for you! :)
—Don't Look Down
I love this song.
Don’t Look Down by Hoodie Allen
Anonymous asked: Brawns, Brains, and Beauty! You've got it all, Darling. Keep Posting!
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